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Working from Home or WFH means soft skills are even more critical to our collective success and happiness.

Everyone is working from home right now: some alone; some with children needing care if not homeschooling, everyone adjusting to this ‘new’ situation is still trying to achieve their work objectives. Everyone is uncertain about the future and when and how everyone will return to work and life outside.

Soft skills are even more important when people are working from home because WFH necessitates virtual or remote contact. People can’t be observed over time when they WFH so it’s hard to know what is really going on for them. People can consciously or unconsciously ‘hide’ in the distance. Additionally, WFH under stressful situations is, by definition, stressful and probably many more emotions many of which can interfere with our wellbeing and productivity.

Importance of Soft Skills

When I published my book in January I wrote that soft skills were crucial to work (and life) success. I still believe that and feel they are even more important with all the uncertainty caused by coronavirus. Many emotions are present for everyone at this time, so leaders can’t pretend emotions don’t exist nor ignore them and still expect people to be productive.

• There’s a tangible cost and benefit to poor and good soft skills respectively – positive soft skills motivate others, create safety for innovation, build trust for empowerment and greater engagement.
• Humans are emotionally driven even in business as our brain evolution is wired that way (bodily sensations enter the brain through the spinal cord which ‘hits’ the emotional space of our brain first before ‘getting to’ the higher reasoning part of the brain at the forehead).
• Neuroscience has confirmed that the brain can create new neural pathways – we can learn new things regardless of age – it’s called neuroplasticity. This means that leaders and employees can learn new things when influenced positively through motivation and not being relentlessly driven.
• Humans are social creatures or ‘herd animals’ – we survive in highly coordinated groups as outlined by Psychology Today so staff want to feel that they belong.

The work you want to be doing at home or having your team while WFH, those make-or-break tasks in your organization (and their associated measurements, key performance indicators – KPIs) can be made or broken by good or bad soft skills respectively.

Work from Home Soft Skill Tips for Individuals

Here are some tips for good interpersonal or soft skills. Some of these might seem selfish given people skills are about relationships – remember the best relationship you need to foster is the one with yourself.

• Create a routine or schedule for yourself balancing work, family, rest and self-care.
• Have a morning routine that sets you up for success – set an intention for the day, meditate or quiet time, journal, exercise, shower and dress for work, healthy breakfast.
• Have a designated space for work ideally away from personal space.
• Recognize this is a difficult time so practice self-care and compassion.
• Know what works for you and schedule yourself accordingly. For example, if you’re usually more productive in the morning keep that time for what matters to you, your key tasks. If you’re an introvert, limit the number of group conference calls you participate in a day, or book quiet time after group calls.
• Identify a relationship or project you’d like to improve, experiment with different behaviours – coaching instead of telling, listen instead of talking.
• Take a moment before a call and think of the other person, who will you be interacting with? What’s their position on the subject you’ll be talking about? Step in their shoes for a moment.
• Write down 3 things from the day that make you grateful. Capture what you’re proud of yourself for too.
• Decide if you want to talk about how you are feeling and share when it works for you. If you’d rather not share, say that respectfully and move on with the work at hand. I’m hearing some people are overwhelmed by the repetitive answering of “how are you, really?”

Work from Home Soft Skill Tips for Leaders

The tips for individuals apply to leaders and there are some more when you’re thinking of others.

• Be conscious of the extroverts in your group – they might be struggling more than the introverts
• Notice who is in touch and who isn’t and ensure you reach out to all – via different mediums, timing and durations depending on the individual.
• Engage with the WHOLE person, not just the work persona, as WHOLE people are showing up remotely. This means that often with video you are seeing your team member’s setting, their décor, pets, and sometimes family members.
• Give feedback using the COIN model – find achievements, qualities and/or behaviours you can genuine give feedback on, mostly positive at this time. Remember, leaders in successful companies give 5-6 pieces of positive feedback to someone for every 1 piece of developmental feedback.
• Ask for feedback – ask your direct reports what you should stop doing at this time, what you should start doing and what you should continue doing. These specific questions make it easier for people to give specific feedback. Getting feedback helps you know where to focus and it makes people feel valued and heard.
• Cultivate some stories from this turbulent time. What are you learning from the experience? What’s working well and what isn’t? These real stories that you distil now can be used in the future to inspire and motivate your teams. Ask your team what they are learning to build bridges.
• Be aware that different people will be handling WFH differently – adapt to the needs of each individual as much as you can.

The change to all of our lives with WFH for many of us due to the COVID-19 crisis requires courage and vulnerability. Courage to forge ahead, act despite the fear and uncertainty, to set a vision for yourself, your family and/or your team. Vulnerability because this is an unprecedented time, we don’t have experience with this type of situation where work/life is so blurred and all present.

Download the first chapter of my book by signing up here to learn more about the starting point for better soft skills.

This virus has given a lesson in diversity, equality and being inclusive If nothing else; it’s shown we are all equal and interconnected. It is diverse, fragile in the wake of soap & water and strong in its entrenchment in the lungs, it shows equality in that it has hit almost every country in the world; and; it is inclusive, affecting young, old, rich, poor, famous, and unknown.

Diversity, Equality and Inclusion – Where to Start

I was asked by an HR professional for my take on this topic and, given I’m not an HR professional, I’m going to approach it from a different perspective. And I’m referring to diversity as covered by the Equality Act 2010 UK of age, disability, protected characteristics, gender, race, religion, beliefs, marriage, partnership, sex, sexual orientation, the gamut.

For many leaders, diversity, equality, and being inclusive are often thought to be outside of themselves, an issue external to them, something ‘out there’ that needs to be addressed. That is true. It is often something outside that needs to be changed; you can’t have equality, diversity and inclusion without multiple parts. The paradox is that the necessary change starts within; the leader needs to shift to have the outer impact/effect. Here are practical tips for leaders as part of your overall equality, diversity and inclusion strategy.

Know Yourself First – Embrace Your Diversity

To effect change the best place to start is knowing yourself well – the great, the good, the bad and the ugly. Include all the diverse aspects of you. The reason to start within is to understand truly what you are bringing to a given situation, whether that’s interviewing a new hire, considering promoting someone or listening to a different opinion. What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your natural tendencies? Your default preferences?

• Review existing data such as previous performance reviews, 360° surveys, awards, certifications, complaints, feedback you’ve received, any personality assessments you’ve done, comments from family and friends (praise and stuff they tease you about!)
• Look at your company data around number of diverse hires and promotions. What are your numbers within this organizational total?
• Look for the patterns of who you like to work with and who you find frustrating – Who do you hire? Who do you fire? Who do you promote? What traits and characteristics do they have in common and what are their differences? Think age, ability, race, ethnicity, religion, education, social background, gender, sexual orientation, introvert/extrovert, thinker/feeler in decision making, planner/keeps options open, big picture/detail oriented, personality traits, nationality to name a few. One of my coaching clients called this a ‘people management autopsy.’ Reflect objectively on what this means. This will start to highlight any biases you might have/had.
• For the patterns you identified above, make sure you know your preferences on each of those aspects, so you can see who is similar to you and who is different.
• Ask for feedback from your boss, direct reports, peers. Use these specific questions to help people give you clear feedback: What should I start doing regarding equality, diversity, inclusion? What should I stop doing? What should I continue doing? You could also use these 3 questions of start/stop/continue about getting feedback on your leadership in general. Depending how well you know them and how close you work together you could ask about your blind spots and biases specifically.

Authentically Inclusive of Others

This is about the dance between yourself and another person, your connection with others. It’s the energy field between two magnets. Given you’re the one reading this article, you are responsible for navigating this space between yourself and another. How do you do this you ask? By being self-aware, aware of the other person and in the moment together. Here are some practical tips:

• Know yourself – you’ve got that covered from the work above.
• Know the other person as best you can – especially if they fall into the ‘category’ of those you don’t normally interact with or whom you don’t enjoy working. Try and create a picture of them like you created for yourself in the previous section. Be curious, ask questions, don’t interrogate, genuinely learn about them – who are they when they are at their best? What brings out the best in them? By doing this you will be treating diverse people equally and they will feel included.
• Set a target for interacting with others that are different from you. View those differences as complimentary versus contradictory.
• Practice these skills in situations that are not mission critical. And with people who aren’t your key stakeholders. Said another way, practice in less risky situations and people if able.
• Try the improvisation (improv) comedy technique of Yes, and. This means when someone shares an opinion, especially one you don’t agree with, pause and find the thread, something in it you can agree with or do value. And then build on that thread. This allows inclusivity of ideas and allows co-creation, rather than you vs them.
• Experiment – practice doing things differently then you normally do. Reach out to people you normally wouldn’t. Try some of these ideas and those suggested by your specific HR department. Notice the impact. Ask the impact. Adjust. Experimenting is about trying new ideas and methods to see the effect and adjust as needed to get the desired outcome.

Be Genuine, Be Transparent

What’s in your heart about equality, diversity and inclusivity? Years ago, when promoting women was at the focus, when coaching my executive clients who were struggling with the topic and their role in actioning women into leadership, I asked a simple question – What would you want for your daughter in her workplace? (or niece or sister depending on their family). This gave them perspective, they connected to it personally and made it more real, they could engage more genuinely, it mattered, it wasn’t just a tick box or intellectual exercise anymore.

What do you believe? What do you want for your people? For your organization? Your company probably has a target or mandate about diversity and inclusion. Make it personal. What really matters about this to you? Come from that heart space. It might be service, duty, empathy, respect, fairness or something else. Once you answer these questions, how can
you ensure those targets or mandates are threaded through your entire talent strategy supporting the business?

Be transparent as you navigate your interactions and your organization’s inclusivity initiative. For example, if you treat someone poorly or say something inappropriate, the moment you realize what you’ve done, stop, apologize, own your mistake, don’t give excuses, do better. Recognising and owning your unconscious biases takes work and insight. Awareness is key and may be your starting point, not just about your unconscious bias, rather that it impacts others, even when it is unintentional.  If you are awkward in an interaction, you can ‘name it’, say “I’m feeling awkward and am trying my best.” Sometimes just naming it can ease the tension and create connection. You might not get it right the first time, especially with all the uncertainty swirling around now (being it coronavirus or inclusion). You might not get it right the second time. Admit your mistake or name your challenges, have a conversation about it. The impact you have might not be the one you wanted. Stay. Stay connected with the person, try to resolve it together if they are willing.

Identify a ‘buddy’ that can give you feedback on your progress and be a sounding board as you work through things. This could be your HR business partner, someone in the minority population or a trusted colleague.

These practical tips do not replace formal training, they do not overrule legal requirements. They are suggested as ways of being as a leader with essentially anyone, especially those your organization wants to include more.

Be honest with yourself. Be brave. Be vulnerable. By being responsible, examining your thought patterns and including your feelings, uncertainties and ambitions in the discussion, you role-model inclusion, encourage diversity and make it a more equal playing field.

What’s the stretch in this for you?

How are you faring during isolation, lockdown, quarantine, whatever you’re calling it? If you’re like me, and most people I’ve coached and talked to, you are experiencing a myriad of emotions. We’re confronted with so many emotions right now, many conflicting, coming at us so fast. How do we all cope especially when most organizations and some people want to deny emotions affect us or are even present!

School of Emotions

I had the honour of interviewing Dan Newby, Founder and Director of School of Emotions this week. In my words, his mission is to increase emotional literacy on par with language and numerical literacy. He sees the 3 pillars as mind, body and emotions whereas historical education only valued mind and body. It’s about the practical application of emotions in peoples’ lives, they are a tool in our lives (and work).

He works with leaders and organizations on how emotions can be ‘used’ intentionally for positive effect – whether that’s productivity or satisfaction or both. For me, understanding emotions is foundational to emotional intelligence; see this HBR article for more.

The Myths of Emotions at Work

He outlined some of the myths about emotions, especially at work.

1. People should leave their emotions at the door when they come to work.

So Dan asks leaders “you want them to leave ambition, loyalty, trust and inspiration at the door?” Usually not. Organizations want those emotions, they just don’t want the ‘difficult or uncomfortable’ ones. This highlights the belief that some emotions are good, and some are bad. Emotions are just sensations and data. Fear is good sometimes as It alerts us to danger. Anxiety is the belief something might hurt us but we don’t know what, so it is good to keep us vigilant. There are no good or bad emotions and they are present.

2. People need to get rid of emotions to think clearly.

That’s impossible. Emotions are part of our thinking process. Also, do you want a customer service person to do their job from the places of empathy or joy or service instead of resentment? If so, those are emotions that you want present.

3. Emotions are intrinsic. That’s just the way I am.

It’s just the way you’ve been, you can learn and choose differently if you want. Some things about us are hard wired and many things are conditioned or learned over time. We need to experiment with different ideas, thoughts and behaviours to see which can be changed and which are fixed.

4. We need to Motivate People at Work.

True. Motivation comes from the same word as emote, to move people. And Dan suggests we need to be more specific or nuanced around the language of emotions. An employee embezzling from your company is highly motivated. Is that the type of motivation you want? Probably not. Leaders need to be more specific about the type of motivation they want, what moods and emotions do they want in people, their teams, and the organizational culture. The behaviours exhibited come from the emotions we feel. Same of your family too.

5. If a leader displays fear the team will become fearful.

Dan says that studies show that if a leader acknowledges the ‘darker’ emotion the team feels better; it’s healthier psychologically as illustrated by this Psychology Today link. The sheer act of naming it presents the possibility of shifting it as it’s been raised in consciousness; it doesn’t fester in the shadows. Fear or anger have less power when you say, “I’m angry.” It changes once it’s articulated. Same with “I love you.”

Now What?

The first step is learning the language of emotions. According to Pia Mellody the 8 basic emotions are: anger, fear, pain, joy, passion, love, shame and guilt. Practice mapping your bodily sensations (feelings) to these emotion descriptors to start your emotional literacy journey.

Feeling emotions are different than demonstrating them. Practice feeling them first, so you know what they feel like in you. Demonstrating them can be as simple as saying it, emotions don’t have to be demonstrated in a dramatic way.

At the end of my discussion with Dan I said I was appreciative and grateful. I think of those as perspectives or mindsets. Dan claims they are emotions. When I feel appreciative it feels like a soft comfy sweater wrapping me from the inside.

If you’d like more about cultivating the emotion of gratitude in this uncertain time read my recent blog, Say Thank You to Dire Times – Be Grateful. If you’d like a simple framework for your gratitude practice refer to my blog, Struggling with Positivity? Use this ‘Gratitude’ Framework for Ease.

Anxiety and other derivatives of fear are present as the UK is in lockdown to stem the transmission of the Covid-19 virus. People constantly say we are in unprecedented turbulent times. Even those words have triggered my clients to feel more anxious. Anxiety can range from worry or unease to panic and terrified. People experience it differently and reactions can vary depending on the situation. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks.

Anxiety Symptoms

The symptoms and effects of anxiety are different for everyone. The effects can be physical, mental, emotional or behavioural or a combination of all of them.

Here are some anxiety symptoms:

• Fast, strong or irregular heartbeat
• Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, even if feeling tired or exhausted
• Thoughts of dread or overwhelm or not being able to cope
• Inability to concentrate, make decisions or progress things
• Repetitive behaviours to check things are ok, in search of security
• Seeking reassurance from others often
• Procrastination and/or avoidance
• Irritable, tense, sharp tongued
• Dry mouth, excessive sweating, dizzy

The Chemical Impact of Anxiety

Anxiety is not just in our heads. Physical things go on in our bodies when we are threatened and anxious. Adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol are released (they are hormones and neurotransmitters if you need to know). Cortisol is released in stressful times to help with our short-term survival – it diverts attention from longer-term bodily functions such as the immune system, digest and bone formation. Adrenaline is involved in our sympathetic nervous system, it helps prep our bodies for fight or flight. It increases our heart rate, blood pressure, opens our airways and dilates our pupils. With modest amounts of stress, it helps us be alert and focused. With too much stress, it overwhelms the executive functioning part of our brain causing us to be less sharp mentally. When stress and anxiety are too high and/or for too long our bodies and minds are worn down and impact our wellness.

What is Resilience?

The ability to handle what comes at you in life without being thrown off. Or, as Angela Armstrong, a co-writer in my book writing group, defined it in her book, The Resilience Club: resilience is the ability to take the challenges and changes of life in your stride and say yes to the opportunities that excite you.
The purpose of resilience at its basic level is to be healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) despite what’s going on around you. To enjoy life and be able to contribute despite the circumstances.

Choose Resilience and Hope

The word ‘choose’ is key to resilience. There’s a belief that stress is a choice and if you adopt that belief you will be well on your way to feeling more resilient.

“Stress is a choice: the trigger of the stress might be outside your control; how you perceive the stress and how you respond to it are within your control” Angela Armstrong (author of amazon No 1 best-seller, The Resilience Club)

Notice there are often choices which we don’t initially see. I’ve seen people who have lost their jobs and feel there’s no opportunity end up in a better role and are happier. Choice requires you to focus on what you can control and let go of what you can’t. You can control many things including your mindset.
Hope is not wishing and dreaming. As defined by Oxford Dictionary it is “a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. A feeling of trust.” What do you hope for? Start feeling that within you rather than looking for it externally. The key is feeling the feeling of hope and not just wishing a wish. If you want more love in your life, feel love for yourself, give love away readily to create the feeling of love within. If you want more calm, feel calm for yourself, convey calm to others, that creates the feeling of calm and hence hope for it within yourself.

Tips to Manage Anxiety and Build Resilience

1. Breath – do deep, belly breathing or box breathing. You can google these but essentially, it’s about breathing deep into your diaphragm, so your belly extends out and slowing down your inhale and exhalation. Start with a count of 4 – breathe in for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, repeat. This activates your parasympathetic system which is responsible when your body is at rest.

2. Identify your trigger –What is the thing, person or situation that triggers your anxiety? My trigger right now is negative news about the coronavirus. Keeping a journal might help you identify what is triggering you if you’re not sure. Once you know your trigger, start minimizing it if possible. Work longer-term to build up your resistance to the trigger with smaller exposures, breathing and compassion for yourself.

3. Reframe your anxious thoughts – a technique originating in therapy to have people look at situations from a different perspective, often used to look at things in a new way, often more positive or a better serving way. For example, my attempt to reframe a news item about grocery shelves being empty because people are hoarding. Instead, shelves are empty as people are home cooking so many more meals than normal with the whole family home and no eating out.

4. Limit your worry time – if anxiety is taking up a lot of your time, designate a specific period in a day and a specific area to worry. Time yourself so when you walk away from that area you can remind yourself to leave it behind.

5. Who handles anxiety well? – identify people who appear to handle anxiety well, watch them. Observe what they do to cope with stress. If you know them, ask them about their thoughts and attitudes towards stressful circumstances so you can adopt their thinking.

6. Create – tap into your creativity (or borrow it from someone else) to come up with innovative solutions to the obstacle or stressor. As Einstein said, “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” For example, Dyson is trying to switch it’s manufacturing from vacuum cleaners to ventilators given the need for them in treating the virus.

7. Find meaning – resilient people find meaning in turbulent times. Rather than feeling powerless or like the victim, identify the opportunities or learnings from the situation. What’s your purpose in life (best to identify this before calamity strikes) and how does the stressor advance your purpose? If you don’t know your purpose, you can create meaning in things like community and belonging as we’re all in this together.

8. Self-care – during turbulent times, and anytime actually, take care of your physical, mental and emotional self. Eat well, exercise, sleep well, have connections with friends and family, have a spiritual practice (whatever that means to you), have fun and laugh. Figure out what nurtures your soul and include that regularly in your life.

Resilience Resources

Check out Angela’s book by downloading the first chapter free here. She writes for leaders and managers who are balancing external uncertainties with the company’s ambition, stakeholder and employee needs and their own wellbeing. She provides 30 simple, powerful habits to help you stay healthy, sane and spirited in a demanding world. There are also more free resources here on her website.
An oldy but a goody is the Harvard Business Review article How Resilience Works by Diane L. Coutu, originally published in 2002.
Click here for the NHS website for more information about anxiety in general.